Tag Archives: jokes

Zombies Are People

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There is no getting around it, zombies are here to stay, as ugly as they are we love them. They have become a way of life for a gazillion of us. Even before The Walking Dead rolled into Hollywood, they were popular, but now…..well, we see them everywhere.

Zombies have that special way of saying I love you, as their shit smelling breath gets close to your pale juicy skin.

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And lets not forget about the ones who are missing body parts and still manage to walk around like nothing is wrong……..I wonder what kind of zombie the Terminator would have made?

Zombies used to be people before the apocalypse hit.

  • They went to movies and ate popcorn with stale, fake butter.
  • Pre-zombie people talked to each other, telling bad jokes, and laughing when they thought they should; now they just bite your face off…. seems a simpler way of life.
  • Shopping for groceries used to be fun, now we have to worry about finding body parts in the cooler isle.
  • Before becoming a zombie they would take their kids to the park and watch them play in the sand box, filtering through cat turds.
  • For entertainment they used to watch the news, gladiators, sitting in the comfort of their home, hoping for something juicy and violent.
  • Before the world f**ked up people used to have sex, now, as zombies they can’t because their parts would fall off.
  • They worried about getting to work on time; now they don’t worry because their brains look like a can of refried beans.

Life is good not being a zombie, I can blink, I’m pretty sure most days I don’t smell like a corpse, and it’s been awhile since I chewed an ear off.

 

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Then again, who knows what tomorrow will bring.

 

 

 

 

Valentine Treadmill – Do or Die

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With Valentine’s Day approaching I thought I would give some insight into what women DON’T want, rather than the many lists on the web for what we do want. That is so boring, so ordinary, and that will not do coming from my corner of the cell.

Top 10  Gifts Women Don’t Want For Valentine’s Day

  1. A plunger does not count as a gift, even if it’s needed at the time. DON’T DO IT!
  2. No woman wants an appliance for the special day. Just because your clothes wash together, doesn’t mean she wants a new washer.
  3. Giving her a bead kit so she can make her own necklace is a bad idea, when you know she’s capable of making a tiny noose for the small head.
  4. Pots and pans are not a good idea either, especially when you know she hates to cook, try to remember the last time you felt like you had been poisoned.
  5. A card with a photo of a new iPad is just asking for trouble, when you sign the  card. p.s.- “just kidding, I love You”
  6. We don’t want a new set of tires for YOUR TRUCK. Just because the rims are shiny enough we can use them as mirrors, doesn’t mean we’ll use them.
  7. No woman wants to tell her girlfriends  she got a vacuum for the big day, even though she keeps saying the old one is a piece of crap, don’t get conned into thinking it would make a good gift.
  8. She does not want lingerie that is three sizes too small, if you are this stupid, and don’t know what size her boobs are maybe you should pay more attention next time you see her naked…. providing there is a next time.
  9. A gift basket from the local adult shop is lame, especially when the gift includes, Play Boy, a DVD called “Ride Girl Ride”, and anal beads. If you really want them, don’t be such a dick, and buy them YOURSELF!
  10. And, the most important hint of them all, don’t have your secretary sign the card for you, another woman’s hand writing is grounds for being hit over the head with that plunger.

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Food for thought.