Top 10 Foods To Never Take On A Picnic

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Canada Day is around the corner, so it is appropriate to lend my wisdom regarding picnic food, and park etiquette.  Sounds simple, but you’ll be surprised how people screw this up. These are in no particular order, they are all equally bad.

  1. Soup is not picnic food. No matter what the magazines tell you, it does not look cool dribbling out the side of your mouth during the three-legged race.
  2. Peanut butter is a poor choice. Your mouth will be so gummed up, you can’t yell at the dog who just crapped near your blanket.
  3. Jell-O salad is a tricky choice. That really cool shape you left home with, may resemble something like a blown-out tire by the time lunch time rolls around.
  4. Sardines are never a good idea, especially gross if you are on a date. Leaning in for a kiss and getting the ass end of a fishing trawler is not romantic.
  5. Stay away from hard-boiled eggs in the shell. They can too easily be used as weapons of choice.
  6. Leave the ghetto blaster at home, on the porch, beside the empty 26er, no one is interested in hearing, “ Yo big mama beat the dog down..” you get the idea.
  7. Control small children; you will not be impressed when they run back to the blanket with brown stuff on their fingers, and even more grossed out when they pick their nose, after telling you they found chocolate bars on the ground.
  8. If you want to smoke pot, do it in the back woods. Most people frown upon the smell of burning cow shit, while they eat potato salad.
  9. In many cases it’s best to leave the pooch at home, unless they are restrained, listening to your every word, like the cat does, ha-ha, joking!
  10. No microwave ovens. Just because you found one that plugs into a battery doesn’t make it cool. You will look like an over-applianced idiot, and the laughing will be so loud people will call the police. When they get there, they will laugh.

Enjoy your day! :0)

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2 responses »

  1. I love it. This reminded me of one of the times we took the kids camping. While we were by the lake of the campground, we were told by a Park Ranger to return to our tents and secure them, because a mother bear and her cubs were around. My daughter, who was about 5-years old at the time, started to panic and went running back to the tent screaming “My cookies…my cookies!” Little did we know (the Ranger told us later) that’s it’s not a good idea to bring any type of chocolate food into a campsite. Bears can smell any type of chocolate for up to a mile away and they absolutely love it. He proved this to us when him and another ranger went to their jeep and brought (out of a cooler) a big tub of chocolate ice cream, and used it to lure the bears away from the tents. So, make sure the next time you go camping in the woods…leave the chocolate home!

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