Apocalyptic Self Care

Standard

 

8d1554d0-66b1-4bec-aa8f-810679e00131_zps02f0d308-971x576Zombies, nuclear war, pandemic, we know  one of these is going to get us, its only a question of when…

Being prepped for the big day will determine if you are a survivor or end up being part of the masses who ultimately end up eating each other.

Enough doom and gloom; here are some common place ideas that are FREE!

  • The next time you go to a restaurant for breakfast, eat the toast dry and take home the jam or peanut butter. You know the ones, they come in those cute little metal holders and look something like this.  bbbThey are like gold on the post apocalypse/ black market. There is so much sugar in the jams and jelly’s they are sure to last as long as it takes for the black out to hit.

spreads-pkg-kpb-smooth

  • Peanut butter is primo, you will need the extra protein boost to out run your neighbor who is trying to eat your face.   You can easily trade one of these for something more useful like a barbecue fork; long and pointy, perfect for stabbing through  chain link fence.
  • Once the survivors have lived a few weeks without their favorite shampoo and soap, they will do just about anything to smell better. Humans have this habit of stinking like last years puke it they don’t shower or bathe.
526612483_df70725fb0

hotel freebies

  • There will probably be a limited supply of water ; the goodies you do have should be small enough to fit into the palm of your hand. The last thing you want is to be mugged standing in the lineup to get a trickle of musty water at the gas station crap hole.
  • Don’t forget you will need weapons,  preferably more than one type. You’ll want something you can throw and another you can stab or poke with; if you have time grab a can of coke, you can barter with it, or use it for pretty much anything else.

2885321197_af4b8904d4                                                                                                            0a4f6bd3f2748d07880125ae6f6e5e71--zombie-weapons-epic-fail                   maxresdefault

Self care means all sorts of things and covers a wide range of scenarios; bags similar to these are more valuable than you can possibly imagine.

dog-waste-bags-rainboww

  1. Use them when doing your own business, after that they make great crap bombs.
  2. They are great for color coding rations.
  3. When scavenging for food and meds use them for important items like candy or ex-lax.
  4. Use them to  hand out Halloween candy, so many pretty colors to choose from
  • Meditation during the apocalypse may seem a bit of a joke, but it will be helpful to those that  know they are loosing it. Find a quiet space, like the inside of a gas station bathroom, 160915170405-15-huntington-heroin-story-restricted-super-169 hunker down and drift away…but keep at least one eye open.

nut-job2.jpg

The Shadow Girl

Standard

92394229825624180_sskl0cod_c

I have never given much thought to shadows, they are just there…but not quite. Something we can see but not touch. They breath, yet not.

I wake and think of you…each night I think of you, and on it goes.

My days are full, I do what I do, I have a good life, I am just missing part of it.

I think about your wacky sense of humor, and I miss it.

You are one of the bravest women I know, your sense of adventure is inspiring.  I find myself thinking of when I was young, I can’t even imagine myself at that age going to the places you’ve been.                                                                      SAM21e

Sometimes I put my face to the wind, close my eyes, breathing in the scent of the air and imagine you are doing the same.

I will never let go….not as long as I have breath in my body.

My wish for you is the gift of time; the understanding and wisdom that comes with it, the peace and love that floods your life.

This is my life, as the mother of an estranged daughter.

 

 

Milk In The Face

Standard

63000234567-edit-l

Moody

Yes of course I was, my dear mother made it quite clear I was the most difficult child of the five she brought into this world.

I suspect I was strong-willed right from the start, ready to run, ready to say no, all of which is ‘normal” I think.

When I was about two years old I chose to have it out with my mother and challenge her, big mistake. She always kept her word, knowing this at the time would have saved me some grief, and tears.

I grew up on a farm and loved playing outside, I suspect the “incident” had something to do with her wanting me to come inside the house…and me putting my foot down and giving her a very loud, “NO”.

As a kid in the 60’s everyone drank cow’s milk, I loved it, it was my life blood, nothing kept me from it, until the fateful day of the “Great Challenge”.

Standing in the doorway, a small truck in my hand; my mother opposite me, glass of milk in her hand.

As I raised the toy above my head she said, “If you throw that, I will throw the milk in your face”

I threw the truck.

shutterstock_153646751-e1393431323680

swift justice

 

 

 

 

Prairie Christmas Past

Standard

unnamed-69

This isn’t a fashion blog or an advertisement for home and garden, if it were I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t make the short list.

Christmas on the prairies was warm, fuzzy and completely chaotic, (in a good way).

My sister and I would go to bed early to lessen the wait, and of course wake up before dawn so we could be the first ones under the tree. I remember something about having to wait for the rest of the family, so more than likely we made enough noise for this to happen.

I have memories,  surreal and silly; like the time my oldest sister thought it was a good idea to sample every chocolate in the box by poking her  finger nail in the bottom, then turning it over so no one noticed.

5-pound-chocolate-box

Candy canes on the tree, angel hair ( I thought the name was stupid) and the old fashioned lights that got hot enough to burn the tree down.

8104f4faab0133ae215c40a82aad806d  brach-s-12-peppermint-candy-canes_29068701d26079a43bdbdecc1cde5265ebf31172

One Christmas my mom thought it would be cute if all three of us girls got matching sweaters.  It was probably ok at the time, I remember taking the end of one of the tassels and sticking it up my nose; even back then I had loads of class.

kids

Matchy-Matchy Sisters

Growing up on the prairies many of our gifts were ordered from the Eaton’s catalogue; we loved looking through the colorful pages, pretending to pick anything we wanted.

One Christmas I picked out a small Charlie Brown doll. He was my main man, I loved him, cartoons hung on my bedroom wall I had drawn.

7ohxog4fz4cvhwtppfmo9a-smallThe order office did not have Charlie in stock, so thought it would be ok to substitute Lucy. NOT!

il_340x270-831336471_k7d7I remember being so devastated I pulled off her arms and legs and colored her face with crayons.

How could they think it would be ok?

There are certain icons you just don’t mess with.

Even as a kid I knew how mean and nasty she was and wanted nothing to do with her.

 

Cardboard and masking tape were my friend, I was always making something. Our house didn’t have a fireplace, so I made my own by covering a cardboard form with crepe paper that looked like brick.

s-l225

I remember being so proud of the job I had done, despite the size being no bigger than about  two and a half feet tall.

Dreaming was always a way of creating.

 

 

 

When we turned ten we got a watch for Christmas.

untitled

I still have it

Then there was the year my sister and I got radios…matching radios. I still remember that morning, tired and bleary-eyed, wow.

img_1192    img_1193-copy

Whatever your memories, pick a good one.

sad-tree

P.S

I sewed the ugly purple/white stripped house coat

Halloween Forever

Standard

halloween_-_trick_or_treat_wallpaper_87603

When I was in grade two I won a prize for my Halloween costume; with help from my mother who insisted I wear the gunny-sack clown outfit my older siblings had worn. I  remember thinking…well OK if I have to.  I can also remember being in shock and amazement when I won, my prize was a large children’s book, I chose the bedtime story version instead of a clown one? Seriously it was.

Halloween for me became a holiday legends are made of, a bit mushy you’re probably thinking…too bad.

My mom would pack my costume in one of those large paper shopping bags (with handles). It was quite the production travelling with it on the school bus, it meant everything to me. All the kids would bring their costumes, then we were allowed to dress up after lunch. The small elementary kids were allowed to dress in one of the furnace rooms, sounds creepy I know…to this day I can clearly remember toting that heavy bag and holding on to it for dear life.

Once dressed we had to parade through all the other class rooms…all of about four.

1960

I’m not in this one, but you get the idea

It was a day from heaven; puffed wheat cake, rice krispie squares, assorted treats. (when I was in grade one my teacher, who shall remain nameless because she was a total bitch, made candy apples, I still remember them, so I guess she did one thing right.

 

2330363                    images         maxresdefault

Those-Orange-and-Black-Things

worst candy of all time

The only thing that made the day better was going home and carving pumpkins!

I can honestly say I was, and still am the most boring pumpkin carver on the face of the earth. I first learned to do the old triangle eyes and nose face, and still do it to this day, perhaps out of nostalgia more than anything.

IMG_0798

a couple of years ago… told ya, lol

Trick-or-Treating as a kid… didn’t really happen. We grew up on a farm, so that made it a challenge, but it likely didn’t help matters any that my mom viewed it as begging. I did it once when I was about eleven maybe… I stayed over night in town at a friends place. It was awesome. From that day forward I have always loved FREE, lol

I love horror movies, not the stupid gory crap, but the stuff that will keep you thinking and watching it over and over again. Anything supernatural is always a delicious creep out. Witches, ghosts, and zombies that run way too fast. One year I booked Halloween off so I could stay home all day and watch horror movies, it was awesome!

In the 60’s I of course grew up watching Charlie Brown, he and I have a long history together.

imagesCAXLJRQB

I think about Halloween all year-long, it’s clearly the best holiday ever invented. In grade three I dressed as a witch and remember playing a stupid game where we were supposed to “sound” like what we were dressed as, I of course began to cackle like a witch, at the age of eight, lol. I got funny looks and the teacher said”oh my”… dork. Every year after that I dressed as a witch.

The past few years I have volunteered at a local haunted house, acting of course, nothing better than making people scream and laugh all at the same time. http://haunted.missionartscouncil.ca/ If you live in my area check it out, it’s the best local haunt around.

These days zombies are the real deal, it seems to come naturally to me, not sure whether that’s good or bad. IMG_0292l

The Mother Inside

Standard

An-early-incarnation-of-the-perfect-mom

The mother inside smiles a lot and hugs her children every day, and tells them she loves them. She reads them a story every night and sings to them quietly until they fall asleep.

The mother inside spends countless hours playing with her children; she will sit on the floor with them, at their level and pretend for hours, delighting in their laughter and silliness. She has never forgotten what it is like to be a child and has many fond memories from her own childhood.

The mother inside lets her children help in the kitchen when she is cooking and baking. She sets a chair beside the cupboard so they can roll out cookies and help peel potatoes. She loves having them at her side, and warms at the thought they will do this with their own children some day.

The mother inside finds joy in the small things, like doing laundry for her family, cooking, cleaning, because she knows that some day they will do the same for her. She knows that her children will appreciate all the things she has done for them while they are growing up.

The mother inside does not spank or yell at her children, but instead try’s to reason with them in a way they will understand. She is patient and kind, with endless hours spent reading parenting magazines and books,  become even more amazing than she already is.

The mother inside goes to every parent/teacher interview, volunteers for the school and drives her children to countless activities after school. She is never late with breakfast and loves putting little surprises in their lunch bags along with  homemade cookies and sandwiches.

The mother inside makes their Halloween costumes each year, and bakes goodies to hand out for treats.

The mother inside goes shopping with her daughter for a prom dress, they have lunch at a restaurant, and laugh about the movie they want to see together. She is proud and filled with joy to have a daughter so loving and kind.

The mother inside is radiant with happiness, as she attends the graduation ceremony for her children, and marvels at how grown up they look on the stage. They smile and wave at her, blowing invisible kisses that melt her heart.

The mother inside is there every time her son and daughter need a hug of encouragement or want to forget the terrible date they just had. She smiles and says, “everything will work out”, even after one of her children says she is stupid and a terrible mother. She does not cry because she knows they are saying it in a fit of rage, and it doesn’t really count.

The mother inside does not exist.

Zombies Are People

Standard

 

zombie_mob_Wallpaper_cb8l

 

There is no getting around it, zombies are here to stay, as ugly as they are we love them. They have become a way of life for a gazillion of us. Even before The Walking Dead rolled into Hollywood, they were popular, but now…..well, we see them everywhere.

Zombies have that special way of saying I love you, as their shit smelling breath gets close to your pale juicy skin.

Michonne_the_walking_dead

And lets not forget about the ones who are missing body parts and still manage to walk around like nothing is wrong……..I wonder what kind of zombie the Terminator would have made?

Zombies used to be people before the apocalypse hit.

  • They went to movies and ate popcorn with stale, fake butter.
  • Pre-zombie people talked to each other, telling bad jokes, and laughing when they thought they should; now they just bite your face off…. seems a simpler way of life.
  • Shopping for groceries used to be fun, now we have to worry about finding body parts in the cooler isle.
  • Before becoming a zombie they would take their kids to the park and watch them play in the sand box, filtering through cat turds.
  • For entertainment they used to watch the news, gladiators, sitting in the comfort of their home, hoping for something juicy and violent.
  • Before the world f**ked up people used to have sex, now, as zombies they can’t because their parts would fall off.
  • They worried about getting to work on time; now they don’t worry because their brains look like a can of refried beans.

Life is good not being a zombie, I can blink, I’m pretty sure most days I don’t smell like a corpse, and it’s been awhile since I chewed an ear off.

 

IMG_0292l

Then again, who knows what tomorrow will bring.